I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Ambien. No doubt about it.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
