i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
