you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I lost the right to judge tonight
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
