You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
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