Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Randomize
