Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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