I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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