I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
