yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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