you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
