i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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