Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
two words: eviction party
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
