If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
