i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
