I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
