i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
the day after is always just damage control
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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