halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
