I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
