can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Randomize
