I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
