i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
