I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
