Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
There r osticjed everywhere
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
