I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
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