I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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