I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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