Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
