Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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