I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
