Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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