i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
