This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
