Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i think i have herpe
just one?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Randomize
