haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
