wat bout pragnant strippers??
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
