I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
