dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
