Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
