So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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