You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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