hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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