I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
