Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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