I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
