He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
