my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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