your parents love me but you hate me
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Randomize
