so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
