i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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