Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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