The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
